clarity.....

 hiya. it's moon_dahliaX.

yesterday i had to run out of the house in a hurricane of emotions, after my boyfriend was....well, not himself again. he nearly missed me when throwing a glass at the wall. between sobs, he told me to run away.....run away from him....and i did......crying so much as i went down the street, not knowing where to go....i ended up walking to the cemetery again, my usual refuge..and there was that lady i talk to sometimes, the one killed by her husband. she saw me crying and came to comfort me, and we had a long conversation.....i told her what was going on at home. i don't think i ever told anyone, i just talked about accidents, and spiritual problems, but i never went into detail. she made me think about a lot of things......maybe i really can't fix this. maybe it's not my responsability to fix him. yes, i love him, but.....you can't be with someone who has hurt you, will hurt you....and clearly, i'm not the one who can solve what is going on with him spiritually.....she told me it doesn't make me a bad medium, because i tried my best, but maybe....maybe it's just beyond my control. it's true, i think she's right.

i have to step back.

at least for a bit. he really worries about my well being too, worries so much about hurting me, but i insisted on staying until i can solve this. well, i can't solve it if i end up hurt, incapacitated.....killed, by this spirit. i can't figure out why it hates us so much, but it's strong and full of hatred, full of violence...way too much. it's terrifying, what it's doing to my prince, how it lashes out at me through him. it's cruel. i wish just our love was strong enough to conquer it, but i was a fool to think that way......

i'm confused, i'm sad, and way too tired....i think i'm going to live with my parents for a bit. think about this away from the eye of the storm. and maybe talk with a stronger medium, someone who can look after him while i'm gone......because i need time. i need some time away. 

i'm the kind of person to put other people's well being over mine....spirits, living people, anyone really....and then i feel all this sadness, anger, all i can't express bubble up inside of me...and it's at this moment in which i feel nothing but these feelings i've bottled up for the sake of the spirits, for the sake of being a perfect medium, for the sake of my boyfriend.....but i can't take it all alone. the lady at the cemetery made me realize.....if i keep at it, i might end up like her....and it terrifies me. it really does. i need to be blunt, and quick.

i need to tell him i'm leaving for now.